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Huge study ‘tells me what you want” …

and all about your fantasies – everything.

From the book, Tell Me What You Want (read book review)

“What we do (and who we do) in our sex lives isn’t necessarily an accurate reflection of our deeper, underlying wants.”

Based on an extensive study, Dr. Justin Lehmiller has written a much better book than Sigmund Freud did in 1899 with The Interpretation of Dreams (much of which was wrong). The beauty of Tell Me What You Want is in its purpose: To get us to open up with our partners and be more honest about what we want and need. As they say, life is to short to go short – especially on your sexual desires and needs. And as Lehmiller points out, most of our fantasies are natural and common.

Tell Me What You Want (TMWYW) is a must read – if you give a damn about understanding what your wonderful, sexual partner really wants, desires and needs. Because what you know, and think you know, is only the tip of their sexual iceberg. Stretching the metaphor, the vast majority of couples simply shuffle the deck chairs on their Titanic loveboat, afraid, ashamed and unable, or unwilling, to explore the depths of their true human sexuality. Such a loss. But start talking about it and who knows what might be revealed. And these numbers just might be the beginning.

Sex by the numbers can start a conversation

  • Almost all Americans who took the survey for Tell Me What You Want (97 percent), reported having sexual fantasies—and most reported having them frequently. The vast majority said they fantasize somewhere between several times per week and several times per day.
  • Sex with multiple partners is a staple of Americans’ fantasies.
  • When asked to describe their favorite sexual fantasy of all time, group sex was by far the most common.
  • When asked whether they had ever fantasized about different forms of group sex, 89 percent reported fantasizing about threesomes.
  • 74 percent about orgies.
  • 61 percent about gangbangs.
  • Men were more likely to have all of these multi-partner fantasies than women, it will surprise many to learn that the majority of women reported having each of these sex fantasies as well.
  • Sadomasochism, or the desire to link pleasure and pain during sex, is another extremely popular American fantasy. 60 percent of participants reported having fantasized about inflicting physical pain on someone else during sex,
  • 65 percent reported having fantasized about receiving physical pain during sex.
  • Believe it or not, women were more likely than men to have fantasized about both giving and receiving pain,
  • Hollywood might give you the impression that Americans are fantasizing about celebrities more than anyone else, but that could not be further from the truth.
  • Just 7 percent of participants said that they fantasize about celebrities often
  • 51 percent said that they fantasize about their current partner often. That’s right—we fantasize about real-life, everyday people far more frequently than we fantasize about the Zac Efrons and Scarlett Johanssons of the world. This suggests that our fantasies may be more grounded in reality than you think, at least with respect to whom we want to be with.
  • Our porn-viewing habits: One in seven participants said that their biggest sexual fantasy of all time directly stems from something they saw in porn. Pornography consumption is related to the size and shape of the bodies and genitals that appear in our fantasies, too. For instance, the more porn that heterosexual men watch, the bigger women’s breasts are in their fantasies. Likewise, the more porn that heterosexual women watch, the bigger men’s penises are in their fantasies.
  • We often become different people in our sexual fantasies. Most participants reported that, when they appear in their own fantasies, they change themselves in some way, whether it’s having a different body shape, genital appearance, or personality. This tendency to fantasize about changing one’s physical or psychological characteristics sometimes reflects deep-seated insecurities.
  • Americans’ political leanings speak volumes about the nature of their sexual fantasies. For example, compared to Democrats, Republicans were more likely to fantasize about sexual activities that are typically considered immoral—like infidelity and orgies—or taboo—like voyeurism.
  • The more political and moral restrictions we have placed on our sexuality, the more intensely we fantasize about breaking free of them.
  • Less than one-third of participants said they had previously acted out their biggest sexual fantasy. The remainder reported holding back for a range of reasons, but especially due to uncertainty about how to act on it and fears that one’s partner would disapprove of and/or be unwilling to participate in the activity.

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