and knowing why is a wonderful, loving Valentine’s Day gift ❣️
Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow is a tell-you-all-you-need-to-know book that will change what you think about cupid and Valentine’s and orgasms. Yes, orgasms! And most important, the “orgasm hangover.”
We all know that post-orgasmic feeling of, “I’m done” and the fake orgasm feeling of, “Get this over and done with.” And we experience it in everything from ‘rolling over to go to sleep’ to “not tonight dear, I’ve got a headache.”
It is biological– and very real. In all of us.
You probably don’t realize this but it causes sex partners to separate more and gradually tire of each other [READ THAT AGAIN]. It’s called the “orgasm hangover” and you need to know all about it.
This marvelous book explains why our sexual behavior is rooted in “mammalian mating signals to lose interest in one mate, and find novel mates appealing.” And it’s not gender specific, men are more inclined but it’s also a neurochemical force in women (see previous insightful post: Illicit encounters are a booming affair). When we don’t understand these fundamental biological responses, we are allowing them to disrupt our thinking, feelings and relationships.
Far too many of us have sex for a lifetime without knowing fuck all about it. Hell, we know more about riding a bike than how to ride a beautiful sex life to our sexual fulfillment. Of course, sex is a lot more complicated than bike riding so we just skip learning about one of the most essential parts of our lives.
Here’s one woman’s review (16 min). Or read our brief comments below. Podcast link is at the bottom.
Valentine’s Day is about the gift of love 💝
There are two fundamentally different ways of making love: one for fertilization, and one for triggering closer bonding (karezza) and we need to understand how we are hard-wired for both.
“Even though humans are pair-bonders, the habit of pursuing passion to the point of quenching desire can set off unsuspected mood swings, cause resentment toward a lover, and erode attraction (Cupid’s poison).
It’s true. Our genes are ‘programmed’ to create “emotionally distancing effects of exhausting sexual desire” and it happens in two-week cycles, making lovers “unusually needy, anxious, drained or irritable.” Sound familiar?
“Our bodies are simply not equipped to sustain for long periods the physiological arousal associated with passionate love, desire, and other intense emotional experiences.” —Pamela C. Regan, psychologist
Chasing the orgasm is an addictive behavior for many of the wrong reasons, none of which improve the sex or relationship.
“Lovers often attempt to use orgasm (or other addictive behaviors and/or substances) to medicate the discomfort resulting from modern life’s dwindling rewards of close companionship and satisfying intimacy.” – Marnia Robinson
The “orgasm imperative”
What scientists call the “orgasm imperative” is a curse, especially for women. This culturally and psychologically embedded idea that an orgasm is a goal that we must strive to achieve, in fact, is more likely to ruin our sexual encounters, sex lives, love lives and relationships. The more orgasms, the less need for love.
Of course, “faking it” should never be an option.
But there is an option. A fascinating alternative. Don’t orgasm! Read that again. Then read this book.
“All the joy the world contains has come through wishing happiness for others. All the misery the world contains has come through wanting pleasure for oneself.” — Shantideva, ninth-century Indian mystic
This ancient insight of “wanting pleasure for oneself” is epitomized in the “misery” we experience in our quest for orgasms. Even though it’s like the gold standard of “pleasing oneself,” it can have damaging consequences in a relationship if pursued, endlessly. Just to clarify, this doesn’t mean abandon the pleasure of orgasms, rather it is about developing an optional, broader and deeper sexual experience in which orgasms are not the goal, not even necessary.
The book explains how our innate “mammalian mating behavior” and our “bonding behavior” are controlled by very old, genetic circuitry that governs our “drives, desires and emotions.” It is who we are, naturally. And only when we recognize and understand our behaviors, and why we do what we do, can we improve and sustain our loving and sexual behavior– for the better.
“Though it was after 11 PM, we cuddled. For about two hours. Ecstatic cuddling. Two hours. Ecstatic. Hours. I had experiences last night that I do not have immediate words for. Rich, deep, full. Subtle. Powerful. Moving. Meaningful. Pointing to greater connection with all life. We were in connection. In the same wave, as she put it, like a flock of birds wheeling in the sky as if with one mind.” — Brian
This alternative for more intimate and sustaining bonding is called karezza. And it is triggered by our “neurochemical ally: oxytocin. The author calls it the “cuddle hormone.” Geez, what woman wouldn’t like a little more of that?
“Karezza is relaxed, gentle sex. It is a simple approach if couples move toward it gradually, with lots of generous bonding behaviors.”
This book offers a new script for our sex lives, based on an intriguing blend of love, pleasure and biology. It is an inspiring revelation and an aspirational approach to sex that every person, both genders, can, and should, understand.
❤️ Valentine’s gift – good any day of the year
Any couple with a sexual curiosity and a deeper desire to learn more about magnificent, loving sex should give themselves this book as a gift, and as a testament to their love.
Podcast: We have posted a terrific podcast interview with Marnia Robinson (26 min). Listen here >>
Book available at Amazon >>
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