There's no excuse for ignorance even when it's ignored

And when it comes to sex, we’re as ignorant as Neanderthals.

(4 min)

Our sexual lineage is rooted in cave men and women, and not much has changed. Okay, maybe the “missionary position” is new, but not much else. Today, we don’t sexually behave much different than our ancestors did 40,000 years ago (actually the Neanderthals were not our ancestors, they died off or were eliminated by our ancestors, homo sapiens).

Why do we have so much sex without enough knowledge? Without enough thought? Without enough caring for our sex partners? Perhaps, because we can. We allow ourselves, and each other, to think of sex as an event, an experience that does not necessarily require a relationship. Wrong!

Sex is a relationship – even during a one-night stand. Social contact with any other human being is some form of reconnection whether brief or passing or enduring, that is part of who we are, and become. Sex is as intimate as it gets whether we acknowledge it or not. As Christine Emba says in her book, “today’s culture entitles a woman to a one-night stand but not to kindness.” Too much sex lacks reciprocal kindness and too many women accept the sex without the requisite kindness (that they need, even if he doesn’t).

“I asked a high school girl about unreciprocated oral sex and said, “What if guys were asking you to get them a glass of water and never offered to you a glass of water? Would you put up with that?” She burst out laughing. It never occurred to her.” – Peggy Orenstein

At Love & Sexcess, we are often asked, “Why are you so committed to reading, writing and sharing all about sex?” and our response is: It’s self-evidence that we humans are too unevolved – ignorant – of the common denominator that connects all of us, sex. Not love, sex. Sex is far more prevalent and easier to do than love and yet both experience more dissonance than harmony, more mystery than understanding.

What is it that makes us think that if love is a many splendor thing, the sex will be splendid? Or if the sex is splendid, the love will follow? It’s such folly. What we need to do is devote more time and energy to understanding the sexual splendor we are capable of and how love, caring and kindness are an innate part of sex.

There is a place on the other side of ‘just fucking’ and it can only be accessed through the love of knowledge, understanding and learning. It’s a wondrous place.

“Our parents bring us up to have good manners, a work ethic. But nobody brings us up to behave well in bed.”– Cindy Gallop

An opportunity

We have an opportunity. Today’s, large-brain homo sapiens can read. And from reading comes understanding and with understanding we can change our sexual thinking and behavior. For example, for too many of us, especially men, the go-to source for how sex “works” is pornography. In one study, a teenage boy said, “There’s nowhere else to learn about sex. And porn stars know what they are doing.” OMG! Talk about perpetuating the sexual ignorance of the cavemen and women.

“A 2016 study reported that adolescents use porn as a how-to guide with 16 and 17 year-old teenagers reporting that porn was their primary source for information about sex — more than friends, siblings, schools or parents.”

Parents, parents-to-be, educators – everybody – need to wake up, smarten up, read up.

‘The book is better than the movie’

In the case of sex and porn, the old cliché, ‘the book is better than the movie’ is most applicable. Of course, there are porn books that are informative and maybe offer facts but they have no honest story – based in reality. But good books can be a great source of learning.

Think of the level of sexual fulfillment we could reach if we engendered widespread reading, learning, sharing and “best practices” – especially for women whose male partners are primarily students of Porn 101. The students learn the worst in sexual misogyny. Throughout western culture, our advancement in sexual practices has been dismal and history keeps repeating itself.

Worldwide, there are 120 million acts of sexual intercourse, every day
Over 50% of women are unsatisfied with their sex lives – that’s 60 million women every day
And in the same day, more than 100 million people visit one of over 100 porn sites

This dearth of knowledge, thinking and understanding has most people whistling past the graveyard of bad sex partners because they don’t know enough to talk about sex in a confident, honest and meaningful way.

75% of Americans have had premarital sex by age of 20

There’s a lot of fucking going on without knowing WTF we’re doing. And that’s a lot of disappointment, disillusionment, dishonesty and sex lives devoid of kindness, love and fulfillment. But it doesn’t have to be this way. At least not in your life.

Relationship sex is, in simple terms, sex that’s great for both partners, equally. And that’s not happening at least half the time, meaning that a woman has only a 50-50 chance of being in a satisfying sexual relationship. This should be unacceptable for anyone who has ambitions of being a good lover and having a good lover – let alone a great one.

Anais Nin (1903-1977), perhaps the 20th century’s most famous female writer of erotica, declared that a woman had to create the world she wanted and not expect the man to do it. In large part, she was referring to a woman’s world of sex. She lived it (a bigamist) and wrote about it, leaving a legacy of erotic romance, reality, truth and wisdom. Sadly, decades since she tried to propagate a more independent culture for women, we’re still stuck in the muck of misogyny and patriarchy. And putting up with it in our beds.

Women cannot solve this deep-seated problem by themselves. But a woman can be the catalyst to the solution and lead her man into a loving sexual relationship. And it doesn’t require a long-running relationship and whether it’s one night or one year, there is no good reason not to make sex a loving encounter. Not selfish. Not fake. Not misogynistic. But to achieve this we have to talk honestly and openly, which, in turn, requires knowledge and understanding. It means we have to know WTF we’re talking about.

It begins with rethinking not just our sexual relationships but our relationship with sex.